Scoop The Dirt

So a young couple walks in yesterday seeking a room for the night. Nice enough couple, and obviously (from the ‘ehs’ and ‘gees’) Canadian. We set them up in a room and then they come to the bar for dinner.
I ask them what they’re doing in Honduras, and they say volunteering.
Cool. I’m always interested in volunteer opportunities here.
I ask again what they are doing and they tell me they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Ok. I’m half Italian. Does that explain what I’m doing in Honduras?
Anyway, they have their dinner, and afterward we chat them up a bit more to get the real scoop.
Kelly, who wasn’t around for the first conversation, asks the same question, but iwhen told they are volunteering, she also asks what they are doing. This time they elaborate:
“We’re teaching”
Oh, are you teaching English?
“We’re teaching the Bible”

There it is. Teaching the Bible. To people who do not speak a word of English. The Canadians, it turns out, don’t speak Spanish either. They have come equipped with English and Spanish versions, so they can know what they are reading in Spanish while they “teach”.

So, to put it simply, these people are given a Volunteer Visa, meaning they have no time requirements for entry and exit, and have come to one of the poorest third world countries, not to teach reading and writing, or to help build houses, or care for starving orphans, but to read from a book.

So, I’ve decided. I’m going to get my Volunteer Visa. I’m going to travel to third world countries, and I’m going to teach Star Wars. And not just one book, either. I’m going to teach the whole trilogy! (the real trilogy, none of that Clone Wars shit)

I mean, why not? If these folks can be given a visa to teach their works of fiction, why can’t I? And who’s to say it is a work of fiction? I believe in the force. I believe in the powers of light over darkness, good over evil, Ewok over Stormtrooper. I believe that everyone else should believe.

Sure, what these people really need to learn are skills and the knowledge that will help them feed their families: reading, writing, building, eating healthy, staying away from negative vices, etc. etc. etc.

But what I really want to teach them is Star Wars.

The Gospel of Luke Skywalker.

Over the holidays I spent quite a bit of time with a baby.  I’m not a huge baby fan, but seriously, she is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.  However, I put my emotions aside and made some real, scientific observations on the development of human children.

Here are my thoughts on babies after several days in close proximity to one:

1. They’re little.
2. Some of them are cute, sometimes.   (Ok, this one is cute all the time, but I’ve seen others!  Some are downright ugly.)
3. They can’t take care of themselves.
4. They are doomed.

Ok, so the first 3 observations there are probably widely agreed upon.  It’s the last one which may have you scratching their head.

Doomed?  Why?

Let me explain.

First of all, by the time they are one year old they have already done irreparable damage to the planet, and this is something they will spend the rest of their lives coming to terms with, and making amends for, but most of them will never come close to repaying the earth for their crime, a crime which was committed before they had the power of free will.  The guilt from this will cripple most of these babies later in life.

See, the average baby is going to use about 6000 diapers by the time it is 2 years old.  Holy Shit!  Literally.  6000 diapers?  That’s a shit-ton.  Again, literally.   80% of families in the US will be using disposables, totaling billion a year, straight to the landfill!  No one knows how long it takes for a disposable diaper to decompose, but it is estimated to be about 250-500 years.  And what about the poop?  Last I heard it’s still illegal to dump human waste at a landfill, but apparently it’s ok if it is first wrapped in non-biodegradable plastic.  About 90,000 TONS of plastic a year, by the way.  (See the Green Bein’ Blog for more info on how we are filling the planet with trash.  Oh, and ask Kelly Day her views on having children, while you’re at it!)

Many environmentally conscious individuals have begun to look at their ‘Carbon Footprint’ as a way of measuring their impact on the planet and, hopefully, lessening it.  Bad news for these folks.  You’re screwed.  You were born with such a large footprint that you could give Johnny Appleseed 3 blowjobs a day and still not put a dent in it.  I couldn’t find actual stats on the effect of orally pleasing fictional characters and its effect on the carbon footprint of a child’s diapers, which was semi-alarming.  I would think this information would be readily available?  I guess caring about it is a relatively new idea?  However, based on the numbers of diapers used in a child’s first few years, I’m guessing you would have to plant more than a few hundred trees to ‘offset’ this footprint.

And don’t think you’re off the hook if you grew up on cloth diapers.  It turns out they cause just as much damage to this planet, just in different ways.

Here are some other interesting facts (from Mother Jones): http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2008/04/whats-your-babys-carbon-footprint

• Between 2000 and 2050, the U.S. will add 114 million kids to its population. Africa will add 1.2 billion—but their respective CO₂ emissions will be the same.
• One American child generates as much CO₂ as 106 Haitian kids.
• Zahara Jolie-Pitt will produce 45,000 lbs of CO₂ yearly, compared with 221 lbs if she still lived in Ethiopia.

So that’s the first reason your child is doomed, at least if he/she is American.    No matter what that child does in his life, it is doubtful he will ever repair the damage done in his first three years.

Here’s another cause of this baby’s impending doom.  He/She is most likely going to be much dumber than you and I.  Our population is getting dumber with every generation.  It’s pretty easy to see, just talk to a teenager.  I know, we were probably pretty stupid ourselves, but not that stupid.  Seriously.

It’s also fairly easy to assess the cause of this mass dumbing-down.  Look what has happened in a generation.  We just barely had video games, and actually self-regulated our use of them.  I remember turning off the Nintendo to go outside and play without someone having to force me to do so.  I remember reading, a lot, and I remember making up all sorts of games with my friends, spending hours and hours entertaining ourselves with nothing but… our imaginations!  Yes, imagination.  It was what we played with before hand-held video games.  Not anymore.  American society has done away with that dangerous nonsense!  And if that wasn’t enough, if it wasn’t already certain our children would be dumb, we make sure of it by purposely retarding their development.

That’s right; humans are the only species I can think of that purposely makes it more difficult for their young to grow into adults.  We do this in several ways, but the most evident is in language.  Watch and listen to how parents speak to their children.  Like idiots.  Sure, I understand the concept of ‘baby talk’.  The babies like it when you make cute little noises, and they can’t understand you anyway, so what’s the point?  The point is, if you speak to your child like an adult human, there is a much better chance he will eventually become one.  Think about it.

Another thing – the baby causes the people around it to become dumber as well!  I observed, on many occasion, adults speaking to one another in baby-type talk, when the baby isn’t even being addressed, in some cases she wasn’t even in the room!  Example: “We’re getting cranky because we need to take a nap.”  Who?  All of us?  No, just the baby.  (Well, sometimes her father too). For some reason babies have this incredible power to cause adult humans to completely forget how to properly use personal pronouns!  I have no idea why.  “Do we need a diaper change?”  I sure as hell hope not!  You see my point.  Speaking baby talk is fine, but why retard your child’s development by completely confusing it as to the differences between I, You, and We?  At least give the thing a chance!

So, to summarize, we are creating a generation of Humans who will be significantly less intelligent than their parents, which is really staggering considering just how dumb some of their parents are.  These dumb kids are going to grow up knowing (if they are smart enough to comprehend it) that their infancy was responsible for the inevitable destruction of the planet.

Tough luck.  But still, you should see how cute this kid is!

Ok, I’m being a little dramatic, I guess, but, Come on!  That’s sort of my thing, you know.  Here’s the deal though:  Barts CD Cellar in Boulder, CO is shutting its doors after 20 years (ok, 4 years ago it was sold, so it hasn’t been an independently owned local shop for a while now, but it was still there!).  Why is this so significant? Because it is.

I realized when I heard this that I haven’t bought a CD in ages.  Seriously.  That also made me realize that I remember when CDs were new.  Of course, I remember vinyl, but being a child of the 80’s I was really raised on cassettes.  Tapes.

I remember the awesomeness of getting new tapes, even more so this time of year, as they were my most common Christmas present.  There was nothing like getting a long anticipated tape, listening to it for the first time while pouring over the insert.  And back then they typically contained lyrics.  I would listen to a new tape over and over while studying the lyrics until I pretty much had the whole thing memorized.  When CDs came out, this didn’t really change.  Actually, the only change was a huge improvement in sound quality.  Lets face it, cassettes weren’t the best.  CDs had the richness of vinyl, without the sensitivity.  (ok, they still scratched, but they didn’t get ‘dull’ sounding the way an old record can).

Now we have mp3s.  I fear that this generation of music fans, the ones growing up on the mp3, are never going to really know what music is supposed to sound like.  Does anyone who grew up on records, tapes or cds really think that mp3s sound anywhere near as good?  They are so flat, and empty sounding.  There’s just no meat to it.

So, the closing of a local CD store makes me sad.  It is the end of an era.  Music is now easier than ever to produce, with programs like Garage Band so readily available.  Really, anyone can make music.  Without the knowledge and appreciation of how rich a great sound can feel, who will make good music?  And why?  If no one will ever hear the fullness of a song, why bother?

I don’t know, maybe I’m feeling old and nostalgic.  Maybe I’m just as guilty, because I haven’t bought a cd in so long, even though I know mp3s suck.

Of course, I’ve never bought an mp3, either.